Before Editing and Revising
Chapter 5
They were ganging up on me. Anger held me down on the ground. Sadness held my feet so I couldn’t kick up. Disgust straddles me and punches me repeatedly in the face. Fear continued to walk around me like a referee. Joy had run away from me. Today is a great day. Seemed like a distant memory.
My mom had gotten up from the brown and white sectional. I didn’t see her move. She’s hugging me. I could feel her soft ears on my hot cheeks. My own tears were trying to come up, but I wouldn’t let them. No, my disgust wouldn’t let them. Fuck sadness. How could they decided this? I know I was never a major part of our decisions, but dad normally at least asked me. Disgust grew as I let her hug me. I didn’t embrace her.
She believed it. She believed my dad would cheat on her. Cheated on her. She was confused. I mean look at me. I was still loyal to Jessica. I talked to and pretty much rejected Tracy. I even looked at April and left my curiosity alone. Hell, even Jonathan thought if Tacy gave me a shot I would cheat on Jessica. I didn’t regardless of how much Jonathan felt I was into Tracy. .She wanted to come over and I didn’ let her. Regardless of the reason. Dad could of done the same. No other woman was here. Wehn would he have time? Between coming to my games, taking care of my sister and her bi-polar disorder. Working 9-5. He didn’t have time. Mom is jumping to conclusions. She wasn’t even giving dad a chance.
“Lonnie, I know it a lot to take in.” His dad wa now behind his mom reaching for my shoulder . I pulled back, and in the process pulled away from my mom. I looked at him. I’ve been mad, sad, fearful and happy with my dad. But this disgust, ws something different. It kept growing inside my heart, flowing through my veins, invading my brain. I didn’t see my dad. Or mom, our house. Only saw an obstacle. He’s making this decision because he was the man of the house. What he said alway went. Even before the fights, I heard some of their major arguments and mom would give in and we did as we were told. He wasn’t abusive, but he ruled this household. That’s how God intended it, he would say when we went to church. Even when they both would share stories about the Orisha and how those were folktales. My memories of him, being tough, telling me “Boys don’t’ cry” was screaming at me. Kicked the sadness of my legs and stomped on its throat. I let anger hold on, but Disgust, disgust made me not pay attention to the utter fear I had of my dad.
“How Could you decide that?” I don’t know how to explain how the words came out. Fear was there, but so was the disgust. The anger. All I knew before this moment, I wouldn’t have questioned him like that. I could hear the memories of anytime I even looked like I was challenging myself. “The only thing stopping you is fear and common sense” . He stared back at me, and I could see he was hurt. But was it me? His pride? Or something else? Guilt? Did he cheat? Did he cheat on my mom? Now anger took control. Like a poison. My fist welled up . I remember my moms voice last night. The screaming on the phone. The other woman. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to keck him. “The only thing stopping you is fear and common sense.”
Fear stood by my dad as his words echoed in my head. Each time I failed him and was mad. Each time i Was hurt and didn’t cry. I took a step forward, but fear looked at me as I looked at him. His expression changed to a blank one I couldn’t read.
“Son, sometimes, things happen and people grow apart.”
I heard him and couldn’t believe it. Anger and disgust stood behind me whispering to attack, but fear stood there. I looked down and closed my eyes, holding back tears, still pushing on saness neck with my foot. This was my fault. Dad wanted to take me camping, but I didn’t go. He went with his friend Jamie. Or did he? I didn’t know what to think. I don’t want to keep coming up with scenarios. I don’t want my friends to be right. I didn’t want my mom to be right. But I didn’t want my mom to hurt. Why was he leaving us. Family. That’s all we ever talked about if it wasn’t sports and girls. I released my fist as fear step forward. My dad tried again, and I let him touch my shoulder.
“Lonnie, do you want to talk about it?”” mom asked. I needed to get away from both of them. Disgust pushed anger out the way and choked me. Time to figure out how to fix this. Why were they both so calm about us not being together? I managed to shake off the disgust and let joy back. I looked at both of them and smiled.
“No, Ii get it. I do. I just don’t understand,” my words trailed off. I couldn’t piece a sentence together. They were acting like kids. That’s when I thought about Javier. Jonathan and Joe were my friends, but even though Joe was two courts ver and Jonathan was on the other side of the bse, Javier is who i hung out with. He lives on the other side of main street. To get there I would have to cross main street and pass the courts on this side. A huge field connected them to another row or courts that face Tusdkegge street. Javier’s dad is Jamie.
“I think I just need time. I’m going to Javier’s house.” I peeked out. A smile on my face to reassure them. My mom looked at me and nodded, but dad grabbed my shoulder tighter.
“Lonnie, no, you.”
“Please dad, I promise I’m okay. Its like you said. Sometimes people grow apart.” With that I dropped my school bags That didn’t know I still had and ran.